GITTEL'S DAUGHTER: The child of an Orthodox transwoman

 NB. The author of this interview is not related to the author of the previous post. It is purely coincidental that they are appearing around the same time.

M: My birth father is a lesbian. Her name is Gittel (names have been changed to protect the privacy of all of the individuals in this interview). I don’t see myself telling just anyone this story.  Usually people have a harder time hearing I am not religious than that my birth father is transgender. They’ve heard of Off-The-Derech but they haven’t heard of transgender. But I should start the story at the beginning.

I grew up Orthodox in a large city in the United States. I have an awesome family. I’m nineteen and the oldest of seven. Even though my step-dad is not my biological father, he feels like my father. My mom remarried when I was three years old and I had a very normal childhood. I didn’t think there was anything different about me. I went to religious school and youth group and I was very social.

 Growing up, we always referred to my birth father as “Daddy”. My brother and I never asked where Daddy was, but in 5^th grade, I wanted to send my daddy a letter. I showed my mother that I had a letter but my mother said she had to discuss it with a psychologist first. Afterwards, I never brought it up anymore. It wasn’t an issue. That year was hard for my parents. I used to yell at my dad, “You’re not my real dad.”

Later, in 10^th grade, I had an advisor, because I had a tough time in school. There were a lot of talks with my parents. My dad was really pushing me to go to classes, and at some point, the advisor said, “You don’t have to listen to him. He’s not your real father,” and I responded, “YES HE IS.”  He treats me like his daughter, no questions asked. I was three when my mother married him, and they had another five kids together. He treats me the same as the other kids.

When I was younger, and also when I was in high school, my mom always said my birth-father wasn’t ready to be a father. I honestly thought he was mentally ill. I thought he was locked up somewhere. So I didn’t think too much about him. When I was about fourteen, or maybe fifteen, I found pictures of my dad, because my mom had cut up pictures of me and him (baby pictures) and removed them from the album. I put these pictures in my purse and carried them around with me. I don’t know why. I wasn’t missing anything. I was always told that I looked like my daddy, so there was that. I would prefer not to look so similar. I would prefer that there wasn’t such an obvious relationship. It’s funny, because my brother was told that he looked a lot like my step-father. But he’s also Gittel’s son.

 Not long after I opened my first Facebook account when I was sixteen, I got a message from someone saying, “I know your birth father. I know he hurts.” A whole lot of stuff, giving me information that I clearly didn’t want to know! I showed it to my mom, and I asked her if I should read it or delete it, and she said she would prefer that I delete it. I messaged this lady saying please don’t message me again. But then she messaged me again with even more details that I didn’t read.  Who does that to a sixteen year old? It’s not something you message someone about on Facebook! I thought, for a little bit, that maybe it was my birth father, using a fake account, trying to get to me.  Then I figured out it wasn’t.

Just before I turned seventeen, when I had gone out with my friends, my parents called and said they wanted to talk with me. I was freaking out. I thought I did something wrong!  Then, when I came home, they told me that my grandfather wants to fly me to the Belgium to spend a month with him. I said, “You scared me! I thought something serious happened! You called me to come home!?” But then they told me they wanted to tell me why my original parents got divorced.

 My parents were worried that when I traveled to Belgium, my birth father would find out that I was in Europe and try to contact me and they wanted to be the ones who told me the story. Until then, all my life, my mom always told my brother and me that the reason she got divorced was because my birth father wasn’t fit or ready to be a father.

That night, when she started talking, first she brought up an article about Joy Ladin, an Orthodox transgender woman, that we’d read a year or so earlier. I don’t remember exactly what my mom said when she began to tell me about my birth father, though I know she never said anything negative to me. That was difficult, too! My mom hates keeping secrets. We are extremely open and talk about everything so I am sure it was even harder. Afterwards, my parents told me that if I had any questions I could ask, but I didn’t have any. My mom wanted to know how I felt. How should I feel? She just told me that my birth father is now a transgender woman and a lesbian!

 When they told my younger brother [who is the son of my birth father], the only thing he wanted to know was “What happened to the tallis and tefillin?” I love him.

Hearing this story resolved some mysteries for me. When I was about twelve years old, I guess, I found an old cassette tape that my mom had recorded ten years earlier, to send to a friend. On it, she mentioned that she had seen my birth father walking around London with lipstick and she thought she might have to get a divorce. When I heard that, I thought my birth father must be a gay man, so I never talked about finding the tape or hearing what it said with anyone. And then, when my mother told me about Gittel, my birth-father, it clicked in my mind.

 That night when I learned about Gittel, I needed to get out of the house, to talk and share with my friends. My mom told me not to tell my younger siblings. She told me I could talk about it with a friend, so I went out in my friend’s car, running errands. It was already night, and I told her, “My birth father, he’s a woman.” She said, “You don’t tell me that when I’m driving, M! What’s wrong with you?!” 

In general, things don’t bother me. Things flow over me. It took me a long time to tell most of my friends. I had thoughts about what it meant about me, about the way they would view me, but part of my reluctance was sheltering them, for sure. One of my closest friends still doesn’t know because I know she wouldn’t be able to deal with it.

Apparently, there had been a court order that Gittel couldn’t contact me until I was eighteen. My mom didn’t think the court order was a good choice. But for me, I do feel like it was the right choice. Where I grew up, the schools I went to, the friends I had…my life would have been very different if I had known about my birth father being a transgender woman. If I knew when I was younger, I would have dealt with it, but I feel it was very healthy finding out when I was older and had an open mind. As a younger person, I went to a very religious school and I am sure a transgender parent wouldn’t have been accepted.

When I turned eighteen, Gittel [not her actual name] messaged me on Facebook. When she messaged me first, she had opened up a fake Facebook account in her previous name that was obviously not real because it had no pictures or messages or friends or anything. I think after that first contact, she just friended me with her real Facebook, but there was no conversation. No chat. Still, that was the beginning. Just after that, Gittel and Zahava (her partner) invited me to their son’s bar mitzvah on Facebook, though the event was a year away. I didn’t think I would go, but I was trying to figure out if I wanted to go or not. If it’s something I would be interested in being at. So I didn’t respond right away. I just left it.

 Then, a few months before the bar mitzvah, they contacted me again, asking if I wanted to come to the simcha (happy event), so all of a sudden it was real. They offered to fly me in to Belgium! I thought a lot about it, for such a long time, discussing it with my mom and my friends, and then I decided that it’s important for me to go and get to know them and decide if I want a relationship with them or not.  And I decided to come to Europe, but it was clear to me that if I was coming to the Europe, I would have to go see my grandfather, because he wasn’t doing so well at that point. And also, I didn’t want to spend too much time with my birth-father’s family. I wanted it to be short. I wanted it to be manageable. I had a lot of people telling me, you can come stay with me, take all these telephone numbers, find somewhere else. People were surprised that I would stay at their house. Zahava (Gittel’s partner) actually offered for me to stay elsewhere but it seemed silly to me.

When I was planning the trip, everyone asked me, “What does your mom think?” But she didn’t speak. At some point, I confronted my mother and she told me, “I have two worries. 1. You might become not religious. 2. That you might stay there and not come home.” That was never in my plans. I know myself. I knew I wouldn’t stay in Europe. I don't even speak French! My mom still has very positive feelings towards Gittel’s family. She had a relationship with them. My mom tried never to say anything negative to me about Gittel or about them. My mom is awesome. She’s really cool.

I can’t put my finger on what ended up turning me off to religion. I never really connected with it.  Then, about a year and a half ago, I came to terms with not being religious. It is still very difficult for my mom though, since she doesn’t like the influence I have on my siblings. We fought. But at one point, she asked me if I no longer keep shabbos and kosher, and I said I don’t. Then the fights calmed down, after it was all out there. It’s good to get everything out in the open and not keep secrets.

Anyway, since I had been friends with Gittel on Facebook for almost a year, I knew what to expect when I finally met her. It was a good ease into it. I had no expectations for anything so I wasn’t surprised. I think I try to avoid expectations, I don’t know if it comes from a healthy place or not. I know Gittel was very surprised to see me in pants, not because she told me. She’s frum and the pants bothered her.

She says a lot. She says she feels like I was raised well. And that I lucked out not to grow up with her. I know that she tried to follow us as much as possible online to find out about us. But there aren’t any pictures of me or my brother around the house. I was always told that it’s painful for her not to be part of my life and that she would like to have a relationship with me and my brother. I was in touch with Gittel’s cousins, and her family used to tell me that “my father” loves me, or that “there’s someone out there that’s in pain and would like to have more of a relationship with you.” But the fact is, there aren’t any pictures of us in Gittel’s house. We aren’t Zahavah’s kids. I wish (there is a long pause while M cries) she kept one picture of us from when we were little kids on her desk, something.

Gittel doesn’t exactly feel like a parent to me. But if people ask me about “my mother”, I don’t correct them. I’m nineteen, though, and I don’t feel like I need a new parent. I already have two parents. Gittel is a relative of mine who I know cares about me. I do care about her too, but I don’t have words to describe what kind of relation she is to me.

I think that the frum community, where they live, people mostly accept them. I don’t see how they could live in New York or Israel or in some of the other really frum places. I wish it were different. Here, where they live, there is more acceptance than in other places. The hardest thing for me is actually that Gittel and Zahava and their children are frum, more so than any other thing. I don’t know why.

I’ve said this and I believe it: Gittel made a choice that affected her relationship with us [her children], but I’m happy about the choice she made. It’s better than growing up with a miserable father. It enabled me to have a normal childhood. I did luck out.

I wouldn’t change my life. I am happy with who I am and what I am, even though there is this corner of my life that doesn’t fit into my world. If I could erase this part of my life, I would. Not Gittel but the challenge of her. But really, I am at peace with everything I have gone through in my life.

Now, I relate to Gittel as Gittel. I have a mother and a father and a Gittel. To someone who doesn’t know, I refer to her as my biological father or my birth father. But I, myself, I don’t know how to refer to her. She’s just Gittel to me.

LITTLE BOY WITH FRUM GAY MOTHER

 SB is a young child with a frum gay mother. He attends a modern Orthodox school, though his family considers themselves to be yeshivish. 

                                FRUM. That's what I said!

Hello SB, thank you for letting Frum Gay Girl interview you today. What do you think about your words getting put up on a blog?

SB: I hope people see the interview and if they are gay, feel better about their life, and they are if they are straight, be nicer and kinder to gay people.

Could you please tell us a little bit about yourself?

SB: I’m a kid. I’m very interested in planes. My favourite planes are the Lear jet the 727-100. I like planes because it’s an amazing thing to see them go up into the air carrying so much weight. It’s like a miracle. I love the way they are shaped too.

How would you describe yourself religiously?

SB: I don’t know! I keep the mitzvos, and I study Torah in school. I wear a yarmulke and I have tzitzis and payos.

                                My payos are longer than your payos

What is your favourite thing to do?

SB: I like rappelling down cliffs and waterfalls. It is very fun! When I do it, my dad gives me a lot of praise and attention for being good at it.

What is your least favourite thing to do?

SB: Take out the garbage.

What kind of school do you go to and are they supportive of having a gay parent?

SB: My old school was run by chassidim but it was practically a gay school! They knew my mother was gay and they were very supportive. The principal's whole family used to come to us for Shabbos and Yomtov and I was very good friends with all the kids. Families in the school used to invite my family over for shabbos too. Other schools are not supportive like that.

This year, I am moving to a new school. I don’t know what that will be like. I am worried about it.

Will you tell people that your Mum is gay?
SB: I don’t know. It really depends on what kind of people are there. I already know someone who is gay who works there and she is really nice but I don’t know yet how they treat her or what my teachers are like.

                                                Mummy, is this man Jewish?

What are you afraid of?

SB: I’m afraid that the kids there won’t like me and that it will be really hard and that I won’t make any friends. I’m a little bit afraid that my mum being gay will affect me having friends.

What’s the worst thing about having a gay mum?

SB: There’s nothing bad about it.

What do you think about the frum community?

SB: I don’t like them because they aren’t nice to my family. They say mean things. They look down on us.

                                Ha, ha! You've been excommunicated!

What’s the best thing about having a gay mum?

SB: My mother has a really nice girlfriend. She knows how to talk with people. A lot of people, when they tell you things, don’t really listen or don’t care, but she does. And I definitely don’t want another dad, if my mum was straight. My dad is…complicated. It’s funny, though, because my mum doesn’t wear a tichel. She doesn’t cover her hair.

We also get to go to special conferences for frum gay people ( http: //www.eshelonline.org ) and they are so much fun.

Do you ever talk about your mum being gay with your friends or classmates?

SB: No. They already knew when I went into school and that was that. It wasn’t a big deal. No one made a fuss about it at all.

Has anyone ever said or done anything mean to you about your mother being gay?

SB: The frum kids say we are “fry-acks” because we aren’t like them. We still do everything frum but because our family isn’t like theirs they say that kind of stuff. It makes me feel bad, and also annoyed at them. It makes me want to be less frum, because I don’t want to be mean like them, and that’s what frum people seem like, to me. Mean.

If you could ask the frum world for anything, what would it be?

SB: Please be nice to frum gay Jews. They are good Jews and there's nothing wrong with them. Let your kids play at their house. 

BIKES AND DYKES

  

Today, we will be interviewing the sister of Z, who is an incredibly generous person, reknowned for her pursuit of justice. Hello B. We are glad to have you here today. How does it feel to be interviewed by Frum Gay Girl?

B: Um. It's cool. You're older than I expected!

I'll let that last comment slide! B, what do you most admire in a person?

B: Kindness

What do you most detest in a person?

B: Deceitfulness

                                These fingers do the talking...

Can you tell me an example of someone’s kindness?

B: I worked with people who were very poor. They had nothing! But every day, they tried to give me what little they had. It’s very different than in America, where people try to accumulate wealth, rather than be giving in that way. I think that’s the way the world should be. If people were like that, there would be a lot less fighting and wars. A lot less hate. It’s interesting that the poorest people, the people who have very little, are the most giving, the most loving.

What work are you doing now and have you done anything unusual work-wise in the past?

B: I’m a support worker for a handicapped boy, and I just finished working at a farmer’s market. I'm in my early twenties. For several summers, I worked with a country vet, and I also had the chance to work in a zoo’s clinic. I have worked overseas in developing countries.

What changes have your family gone through and how did they affect you?

B: There was a divorce in my family and we live with my mother now. My house is a whole lot less controlled. I don’t mean in a bad way. It’s a lot more open. Everyone is allowed to pursue what they are interested in and be an individual. 

We are, in a sense, ex-communicated from our old community (a Chassidic community). I guess I chose that. I didn’t want to be part of that, because people aren’t allowed to be individuals. They don’t like you to make your own choices. Everyone was in my business, trying to make sure that I followed G-d’s will, and it felt suffocating. I don’t feel like I fit in. 

I always wanted to do the things that weren’t allowed, and people frowned on me. It felt like I didn’t belong. For example, I’ve always enjoyed bike riding, and after my bas mitzvah, I wasn’t allowed to. The principal had spies to make sure you didn’t ride bikes and she put it in the school manual so that you could get punished for it, and then none of my friends wanted to ride bikes with me. I was outraged. It didn’t make sense to me. Biking is just a way of transportation and it shouldn’t be outlawed as if it’s something inappropriate. I think each person needs to make their own choices about what they want to do.

Are there any other changes your family has gone through since the divorce?

B: Financially, we are in much worse shape!

Oh! I’ve got one…my mom and my sister are both gay, you know.

                                Oooh ahhh, darlings! That's just too much!         

How do you feel about them being gay?

B: It doesn’t affect me, but I see that my mother is a happier person. I think people should be allowed to make their own choices about who they love and what they do. 

It does affect me this way though: People in the orthodox community are not nice to my mother. It makes me really sad that people can’t accept my mother. They think they can somehow control her by ostracizing her, even though they like her. She IS a very kind person, and it’s upsetting that her orientation has become a reason for people to be callous.

                                                             Or a very campy gay man

My sister doesn’t have as many problems. She doesn’t care what the community thinks. But our father still thinks that she will change back, and become straight again. He’s sad about her. He wants her to be like everyone else, and he doesn’t want her to be queer. He doesn’t tell her this. He tells me.

                                This photo is not intended to bear any ressemblance to anyone you know, living or dead

How does your father feel about your mother being gay?

B: He feels lied to and embarrassed because he was married to her for twenty years and had a bunch of kids.

What does he think about gay people in general?

B: He doesn’t think badly about other gay people, so long as they aren’t in his family.

                                Gneshie, Gnendel and Grunya Goldfarb, and Auntie Bee, after 

                                being kicked out of the family, drink painkiller on the terrace

How did he find out about your mother being gay?

B: I think it was in a newspaper article, or maybe it was through the Jewish grapevine. It was after the divorce.

                                                    Thank you, Jewish Press

Did he think she was gay before they were divorced?

B: I don’t think so. Mum says that he used to ask her all the time if she is gay, but he said he was surprised when he found out. Supposedly, he once asked her if she was gay when they were on the highway, doing 80 miles an hour, and he was very angry, so she said, "Why would you think that about me?" because she was scared he would do something dangerous.

                                A dyke? For reals???

What’s the worst thing about having a frum gay parent?

B: I hate when people are mean to my mother, because I just don’t understand. I don’t understand that hatred.

...And only one way?

What’s the best thing about having a frum gay parent?

B: We have a lot of incredible people come to visit us. And my mother is a real role model because she is who she is, despite all kinds of pressures. She just tries to be honest to herself. She helps a lot of other people do the same, and that’s really cool to see and be a part of.

NB. These amazing photos are all taken from the web (Thank you to all the incredible photographers who took them. As soon as I can figure out how to make links to these photos from their original websites, I will!) and are not my property. Occasionally, there are personal photographs, but for privacy and safety reasons, these will not be marked as such.

GROWING UP IN A FRUM GAY HOME

We are really fortunate that sassy and delightful Z agreed to speak to us today, as her story is quite an unusual one. She lives  in an ultra-orthodox home and remembers all kinds of funny gay experiences in her frum high school.

                                Not that Frum Gay Girl would ever recommend pulling a stunt like this...

Hi Z. Thanks for joining us today. Can you tell our readers a little bit about yourself?

Z: Hi Frum Gay Girl. I’m really excited to be able to speak out on this blog. Thanks for inviting me. I’m in my twenties. I grew up in a big chassidish family and my first language was Yiddish.

 The unusual thing about me is that I grew up with a frum gay mother and that I am queer myself.

                                Not for you, she don't

Get out! No way! That’s pretty unusual! What was that like for you?

Z: At first, I didn’t want to tell anyone I was queer because I thought people would say I was just doing it to be like my mother or to be cool or trendy or something. 

Of course, when I came out to my siblings, they weren’t even a tiny bit surprised or upset, since my mother had already broken that barrier years before. My orientation was about as interesting to them as hearing I changed my shoes. That's how it should be! (But it was still a bit disppointing because it was big news to me)

                                Since you're asking, they're Manolos

How frum is your family now?

Z: Well, I have a brother who is studying for smicha in a chassidish yeshiva, and I have another brother who just came back from a year in an Israeli yeshiva. 

                                Do my glasses match these marigolds?

My other siblings go to Yiddish speaking chederim and Jewish day schools. 

Everyone is at different levels of frumkeit but we all have a lot of tolerance and respect for one another’s choices. We are one of the closest, most open families I know. We “adopt” a lot of people, and you never feel alone or unsupported.

                                Gives a whole new meaning to duck face.

When I had an issue with my boss recently, my “adopted” brother, my mother’s partner and my real brother all came along to back me up and that felt great, that support and connection.

What’s the best thing about growing up in a frum gay family?

Z: Because we are so open and frank, we do a lot of talking about big ideas, and as a result, we have excellent morals and strong beliefs about ethical behaviour. We have a completely famous shabbos table that everyone loves, and we are accepting of whatever level you are at. You come at your own standard, there are no prerequisites or requirements, you just show up as you are. What I love are all the different personalities, all the different ways people dress on Friday night, all the great holidays and the fun we have.

                                Bubbie Glinkelhoff and her good friend Mrs Zingleboim

When did you first realize you were queer?

Z: I just found out from a classmate that there was a lot of sexual contact between girls at camp and in elementary school. I was so shocked! I didn’t know anything and I was very innocent about that kind of thing. Of course, none of those girls labeled themselves as lesbian or queer. They didn’t have the language.

                                              Yes, Virginia, you read that right. Shocking, I know...

Then, in high school, there were two girls who were obviously in a relationship. They spent every minute together, holding hands, giving each other back rubs and hugs and holding hands. But this was in an all-girls school. It wasn’t so unusual. Still, people thought it was a bit over the top and talked about them behind their backs.

                                This is no one you know. Don't get scared yet.

There was one girl in our class who had a TV (a big no no in our community) and she came to school one day crying her eyes out about these two girls. “They’re lesbians!” she said. She’d watched some show that had gay characters and she brought the language to school. I remember thinking, “What’s the big deal? So what?” At that time, my mother was out to the family but not to the community, and I didn't understand her discomfort and fear. I was puzzled why she had such a bad view of being gay.

A lot of the friendships between girls in those days seemed like relationships. When they split up, the girls would be heartbroken for months. That’s because all of the emotion and sexual energy was kept between girls. There was no communication allowed with boys. Even so, there were always girls who were more interested in girls. Several of my close friends were never interested in boys, even when they were sixteen or eighteen.

                                Boys weren't as bad as chazer, but al-most....
It was really sad, though, because after the girl with the TV made a big fuss in school, those two girls barely spoke to each other, they were so ashamed.

                                Who me? I would never give a girl a back massage!

Later, in high school, there were two girls who got caught kissing underneath a blanket, and it was a huge scandal. The girls got kicked out of school. Now both of those girls are married with kids. They both were really beautiful and still are. I do wonder what their lives are like now.

Anyway, during high school, there was another girl in my class who I secretly called the big bad butch. She had a lot of relationships in camp and now she is an out frum gay person and really amazing and strong and funny. Her chassidish father is very supportive of her, but he’s an educated man. Sometimes, without education, people can be very tough. 

That girl told me that she always wanted to have a wife, even when she was a little kid, but she never felt she could tell anyone.

One day, my teacher (who was a rabbi) wore a pink tie to school, and everyone began whispering, “That’s so gay!” It was the first time that word, “gay”, had been said aloud in my school. And the really funny thing was that for the next three days, my big bad butch classmate wore a pink tie to school!

Ivan Coyote and her fierce writings

I don’t think I answered your question, but that’s because I’m not really sure myself!

What was the school’s attitude towards the LGBTQ community?

Z: Once, my teacher handed out worksheets where we could write down questions and topics in yiddishkeit that we wanted to talk about, and I wrote down a question saying that I wanted to know about how the Torah views being gay. I wanted to understand why G-d would put people in such a hard situation. I wasn’t trying to be provocative. My mother was gay and I just wanted to know.

When my teacher read my note, she started blushing and stammering. She was green! She said “Maybe we’ll talk about this after class” and of course we didn’t. Everyone was looking down and avoiding my eyes and the eyes of the teacher. It was embarrassing and scary, and I was afraid people would think I was gay. And that would have been a really bad thing at that time.

I think the school was trying to be open-minded but when it came to a really tough question, the gay question, they had to shut it down. And the amazing thing is that at that time, in a class of 18 girls, there were 4 that were gay. So it really was a relevant subject.

                                Beware, dahlings, ve vill make you gay while you sleep!

 Ha! There must have been something in the water when your mothers were all pregnant! What do you think your teacher might have told you, if she had decided to speak instead of remaining silent?

Z: I’m actually glad my teacher didn’t decide to say something, because I’m guessing it would have been something negative and judgmental, and instead, I had a slow coming out, a slow learning and understanding that was comfortable, safe and accepting. It was good, because many of the frum girls in my class are still blank slates and haven’t adopted negative attitudes. They met my girlfriend and they were lovely to her and to me.

Is there anything you regret?

Z: Growing up in a frum gay family, I didn’t have the high drama when I came out. All the shouting and the tears. I kind of wanted it to be dramatic. When I told my mom, she said, okay, let’s role play a bad coming out, and she started to cry and yell and tear out her hair and carry on, and even though we were play acting, it felt scary and bad and we had to stop.

Have there been frum people who have been particularly supportive of you, besides your classmates?

Z: My mother. She has been the most supportive person in every level of my life, whether it’s my queer life, my religious life or my larger life. I have one frum friend who is extra supportive of me (you know who you are!) and the Eshel* community is incredibly loving and supportive, especially the big circle of girls around my age.

Is there anything you’d want someone whose friend or family member comes out to them to know?

Z: You should be proud that the frum gay person chose you to come out to. They thought you were safe enough and understanding enough and accepting enough to reveal this very private part of themselves to. They are taking a massive risk to speak with you and tell their truth, and please please please try to live up to that, and treat them gently and lovingly. 

*Eshel: http://www.eshelonline.org/

Eshel is an organization that strives to help Orthodox LGBT Jews maintain their Jewish observance and find meaningful religious community both internally and in the larger Orthodox world.