MEET THE WRITER

I first met Goldie Goldbloom when I was in fourth grade. She was sitting behind me in synagogue and touched the sleeve of my sweater, saying, “What a beautiful cardigan!” It baffled me at the time; I didn’t know what the word “cardigan” meant.

I started this interview by asking Goldie if she remembered the first time she met me, and she had a different memory. It was during Sukkot and both my family and her family were eating a festival meal at a neighbor’s sukkah. I was just a baby, but Goldie said she remembered looking into my eyes and making some gesture about the food being terrible and the world being corrupt, and she says I looked at her from my mother’s shoulder in a way that suggested, “Well, at least there’s a shoulder to lean on.”

Though she was a fixture in the Chassidic community I grew up in, I didn’t have another conversation with Goldie until I was well into my teens. I was beginning to stray from the Chassidic traditions, and Goldie had just come out as queer, something our community could not tolerate. I found Goldie’s home to be a sanctuary where I was always welcomed into a loving family of writers, big hearts, and outcasts.

Over the past few years, Goldie has worked hard to create safe spaces where queer Jews can connect, share their stories, and exist outside of a community that wants to ignore them.

Read the whole article here:

http://thehairpin.com/2014/12/love-your-neighbor-an-interview-with-goldie-goldbloom

THE YOUNG STUDENT: PAINFUL LOSSES

This article originally appeared in Tri-Quarterly: Tri-Quarterly

I am twenty-three. I’m only out of college for a couple of years. I used to be frum (observant) but now I am off-the-derech (irreligious; literally, “off the road”). 

 In college, I was an observant Jew. I wanted to be part of Chabad, so right at the beginning of my college experience, I moved to a frum neighborhood and became integrated into the Chabad community. I boarded in a Chassidic rabbi’s home, and I worked for a frum family and for a Jewish educational organization. Basically, my life was the Chabad community. But then, over the past year, I became unhappy with how fake I had to be, to be a part of Chabad. It wasn’t just the queer thing—I’m gay, and that had to stay under wraps—but  also I was questioning how I wanted to relate to Judaism.

Accepting the fact of being gay has always been a challenge for me, but it’s even more so for me as a religious person. In college, I realized I probably wasn’t going to be straight, although I really hoped I could be bisexual and get married and go about having a normal Jewish life. But that didn’t happen.

In the last few months when I was staying in the basement of the rabbi’s house, I came to the decision that I didn’t want to be shomer shabbos [observant of the strict Sabbatical laws] anymore, but my roommate found out and called her rov [rabbi]. Her rov told her to tell my rebbetzin [rabbi’s wife], who called me. She was like, “Call me!” That’s never a good thing to hear from your rebbetzin!

She said she knew I wasn’t keeping shabbos, and she wanted to let me know what that would entail. She explained that it meant I couldn’t cook in anyone’s kitchen, and that consequence was the natural outcome of my decision to be less observant. She said people would not be able to trust me to keep their standard of kashrus [kosher]. I decided it would be simpler to keep things as they were. Even after I left the rabbi’s basement and moved to my next home, I kept everything [shomer shabbos] for the sake of the children I took care of. I didn’t want to have my relationship with them compromised in any way. I am their caregiver, and I feel I need to stay frum for them, because they have gone through a lot of trauma already.

Unfortunately, last week I had to go to another state to take care of my sister, but those kids all call me and I read them bedtime stories over the phone—kosher stories from kosher publishers. Hopefully, I will be back soon and be able to work with them again. I definitely want to keep a connection with them, because their mother passed away almost five years ago, and their father is very sick, too. Two of the kids have special needs, and there are a lot of challenges in their home. Mostly, though, there is the trauma of losing their mother.

I was originally hired because they needed a female presence in the house. It was funny to me that I, of all people, was that person. It was a natural thing for those five little kids to see me in the role of Mommy. It was really important work. I was terribly important in their lives, and so, after a while, I couldn’t come out to them, not as gay and not as not-so-frum anymore, either. It would change our interactions. It would be another huge loss for them, and I just can’t do it to them. It would be cruel.

They still don’t know I am queer. No one knows. I hope not, anyway. It would have a very negative impact on the way I am perceived and the way people decide to interact with me. Orthodox Jews view being gay as a challenge you are meant to overcome. That view is so pervasive. I haven’t seen any gay frum people interacting with regular frum people, but I do know it happens. Just not in front of me.

I’m horribly afraid of rejection. Those people in the community mean a lot to me. I would be devastated if I lost the love of my rebbetzin’s family, and I don’t care if they are homophobic. I know if they knew I was gay, they wouldn’t receive me the same way, but they are like parents to me! I don’t want to lose them. And I really love the children who lost their mother. I want to be a part of their lives, and I would really hate for that to be taken away from me or for me to be taken away from them. We have formed a really significant bond, and it would be horrible for all of us if that were severed.

Even if the families were accepting, and they didn’t give me the whole “Overcome this challenge” speech, they wouldn’t want me around their kids because, in their minds, being gay is contagious, and it sets a bad example for the kids. People have hidden beliefs when they are Chassidic. There’s a ton of esoteric concepts, and it wouldn’t just be as obvious as “Your actions are influencing my kids.” It would be “Your neshomah [soul] is influencing my family, your soul is flawed. You are full of klipah [spiritual impurity], and it would drag down my home.” I don’t want people to be disgusted by me like that. I don’t want to be different. I don’t want to be judged.

In the frum community there is always a lot of pressure to get married and have a large family. To me, it felt very bad. I was seeing someone, a woman, but I couldn’t bring my partner to a shabbos table and have the same happy and enthusiastic reception. If I had brought a gay girlfriend to my rebbetzin, if I had been out about it, she would probably have taken me aside and given me a big talk about halacha [Jewish law] and challenges, and my needing to make sane decisions about my future, and since she has daughters, she would have been freaked out that I’d stayed in the same bedroom as her girls. She would have been horrified.

It was weird having a girlfriend while I lived in the frum community. I was very closeted, but half an hour away, in [the local gay area], I was super out. I certainly wasn’t very smart about it. I had my girlfriend come over for visits as my “friend,” and then, one shabbos, when my roommate was out of town, it was different. I had her sleep over. After the meal, we were just out walking, but my girlfriend had a tiny pride button on her coat. I made her hide it. And then, after shabbos, we were hanging out late at night, when everyone was sleeping. We were just sitting in my car, and she leaned over and kissed me, and I had a fit! It was 3:00 a.m., but I was so afraid we would get caught. She laughed at me. Who would see? I was so paranoid, I started coming up with a list. “A jogger!” I said. “Someone who works in a bakery!” Who knows? That’s how it is when you could lose everything. I was very clear about it. I knew I could lose my job, my finances, my housing, my friends, my community, my adopted family. And I couldn’t afford to lose all that.

Anyway, when I had already been part of the Chabad community for a while, my rebbetzin sent me away to a religious seminary. The seminary rabbi gave an explanation for why people are gay. That was so uncomfortable! It was the worst explanation ever! He said, “If either the husband or the wife in a marriage is repulsed by their spouse, it can cause the child born from them to be gay.”” If the husband isn’t into his wife, then the son is going to be attracted to men. Wow! I kept on hearing these dumb explanations: “It’s a choice!”” “H-shem [G-d] doesn’t give you challenges you can’t handle.” I davened [prayed] so long and so hard to have this problem go away, but nothing changed. I couldn’t handle it, but I still had the challenge!

Also, in the seminary, trans people and sexuality in general were always made fun of and looked down on. They were discussed as disgusting things to be shunned. One person asked, “Which side of the mechitza does a trans woman sit on?” and Rabbi B [an internationally known rabbi] said, “That’s like a person who wants to be an elephant.” He turned it into a joke. It was so upsetting. Anyone who happened to be part of the queer spectrum would have been pushed far away from Yiddishkeit by Rabbi B’s response.

Even then, I knew Jewish trans people. All queer people have so many struggles, and trying to fit into the frum community is difficult for them, but it’s infinitely more challenging for trans people. As a result of the seminary rabbi, I became alienated and distanced. I felt like I wasn’t going to fit into the Chabad community, no matter how I behaved, or that there was something fundamentally wrong with me. Eventually, I felt suicidal and ended up in hospital for a while, trying to work through my feelings about queerness and Judaism. The rabbi in whose house I lived at that time wasn’t too excited about my being sick, and his family barely spoke to me after that. It was part of the reason I had to move out of that house. And afterward, I was different, not as involved in Chabad life, but still connected.

So many people in [the local gay area] have had bad experiences with religion and want nothing to do with it. So, in that area, I can’t be out about being Orthodox! I don’t fit in anywhere. All I want is to fit in and be normal . . . frum and gay. And not stigmatized. I still don’t know how to reconcile these two parts of myself. Before I had to leave to take care of my sister, I hung out with people who used to be frum. We got together on Friday night. We made kiddush, we made a seuda [meal] on shabbos day, but we went out on dates right afterward.

Even now that I don’t eat kosher, I’m completely unwilling to eat treif [nonkosher] meat. I don’t keep shabbos, but I wouldn’t ever light after licht bentshen [the time to light candles on Friday evening]. I still daven shacharis and mincha [pray the morning and afternoon services, about an hour’s worth of prayer] every day. My partner is upset at how religious I am, and at me being shomer shabbos. It feels like I can never satisfy both parts of myself.

My partner and some of my non-frum friends ask me why I don’t just do all the mitzvos, or do none and trick the people I work for. I couldn’t do that. My rebbetzin is very honest herself. Most frum Jews are very careful about that, but she is special. She asks me to be honest about my level of observance, to understand what I could lose by not being frum. She innocently trusts me to say the truth about whether or not I am shomer shabbos. I can’t betray that trust. Now that I am living with my sister, my rebbetzin calls me up and asks me to keep shabbos and go to shul [synagogue].

I wish I could come out to her, but once, my roommate was at a shabbos meal with me, at my rebbetzin’s house. One of her little girls was playing with my roommate’s ring. The girl took it off my roommate’s finger and then put it back on again and said, “Harei at mekudeshes li [“Behold! You are consecrated to me,” the traditional words at a Jewish wedding ceremony]. We are married now!” My rebbetzin laughed and then frowned and said, “How would that even work with two girls? It’s impossible!” My rebbetzin made being a lesbian into a joke! It’s crazy, because she knows women who are lesbians, even women who are lesbians in the frum community. She had a very close friend who turned out to be a frum lesbian.

I know two lesbians in the local Chassidic community. One of them is the head of an organization for gay frum Jews. When I didn’t know anyone frum and gay, I somehow found the book Keep Your Wives Away from Them. I looked at all the contributors’ info, and then I searched the names until I found a phone number for one of them. I called her up, and she was really understanding. I was in seminary at the time, so we met clandestinely. I met her wife, too, and we had a whole conversation about being queer and frum. She gave me the contact information for a frum lesbian in my community. It was all word of mouth.

When I went to the frum lesbian’s house for a shabbos meal, it was the most authentic meal I’d ever been to. It was beautiful! Then, when I returned to my rebbetzin’s house, I realized how closed down I had to be in her house, and how much I didn’t want to be like that. My rebbetzin’s home is open and inviting, as long as you fit their picture.

In my experience, there has only been one rabbi who was compassionate to my whole situation. Because of his accepting attitude, I came out to him. I wanted to ask him what I should do. I told him I struggled with attractions that are inappropriate, and he said, “To women?” He said it’s not the most important thing to get married and have a family. He said there are other things you can do as a Jewish woman. He also referenced a gay man who got married and had a kid. He didn’t freak out at me, but he still had this idea that if I really wanted to, I could change. He was a baal teshuva [returnee to Judaism], and he was supposedly a hippie before he became frum, so that might have affected his worldview.

Maybe hippies really have it right. I’m a big fan of Ve’ahavta lerei’echa kamoicha [Love your neighbor as yourself]. There aren’t any strings attached to that. There’s no “so long as your fellow Jew is . . . ” It’s not, Love these Jews but not those Jews. That’s the whole point. My rebbetzin really stressed the idea of the community waiting for everybody to be back from the Bais Hamikdash [Temple] before davening for rain. We wait for everyone, and everyone is important, no matter who they are or what their level of observance is, no matter what their challenges are. That was inclusive instead of exclusive. I want the community to be like that. You can’t be afraid of other people, and exclude them, and have this negative view, and really be holy. 

NB. These photos are only used for illustrative (or humourous) purposes and do not represent the people described in this article.

ESHEL RETREAT

 I am aware that this shul is my favourite shul in the whole world, much as I am aware that I am the most comfortable in my skin in this place, year after year.

The huge windows next to me look out over a frozen lake and up towards a mountain of fir trees. Snow falls in huge fat spiraling flakes, mesmerizing, exquisite. The singing swells, luscious, many harmonies rippling through the room. Snow light pours in through the windows above the aron kodesh.

Yes. I am at another Eshel at the Isabella Freedman Center, the fourth one I have attended. The people who fill this room are my friends and my extended family. Some wear zaidener bekishes and black hats. Some wear pressed jeans and designer shirts. Some have wigs and some have scarves and some do not cover their hair at all. But we are all family, whether we look the same or practice the same or speak the same or believe the same things or are the same age or come from the same parts of the world because, for once, we are in a room that is filled, exclusively, with Jews who are connected with Orthodoxy and identify as Lesbian or Gay or Bisexual or Transgender or Queer.

There’s nothing like it.

The sense of unity alone is something to live on for months.

The sense of delight and pleasure and exhilaration and discovery…

The sense of belonging…

There is a session on LGBT blogging and I sit next to the writers of Frum Gay Married and the Jewish Pink Elephant. We talk about why we write our blogs and what have been some of the outcomes. We cry. We laugh. We talk and talk and talk some more and at the end, there are questions and comments. Many of the people say thank you. Thank you for letting our voices be heard. Thank you for being there when I needed to know I wasn't the only person frum gay person in the world. Thank you for validating my experience. For reducing the loneliness.

This year, there are a larger number of Chassidic women, and for that, I am grateful. I am feeling like this blog is worth the effort and time it takes. I am feeling like slowly, slowly, people within Chassidic and yeshivish communities are finding Eshel and beginning to connect. Cousins discover each other. Neither knew the other was part of this community. 

Old friends from yeshiva see each other across the room, and their eyes widen. You too? 

A young couple sit in a hidden corner, holding hands, smiling shyly at one another. families carry their children through the admiring crowds of adopted aunties and uncles.

Eshel. Community for those who have none. Family for those who might have lost theirs. 

FEARLESS QUEER CHASSIDIC GIRL

This evening we are privileged to be speaking with a young person from a chassidic community, "Nicki". Please remember, as you read, that names and identifying details have been changed to protect the identities, and that none of the photographs are of the actual people. Nicki wrote most of this article, although parts of it were responses (in writing) to questions posed by the interviewer.

Hello ladies and gentleman! My name is Nicki and I am an unapologetic pansexual non-binary person.  I never thought that I am part of the LGBT community but I was anyway. I didn't know what all the terms for people like me are, but I am as curious as can be, so I searched till I knew all the terms for what I am. Nobody guessed that I am part of the LGBT community. I am very good at hiding feelings and if there was any inkling to someone that I might be, they didn't say anything. It's a taboo subject here.

My story begins twenty years ago, when I came out the womb wanting to kick some ass. I was raised in a Chassidic house and environment in Brooklyn N.Y but never conformed. My parents had a problem with that but their love for their daughter was on overdrive (thank g-d).

When I was in middle school, I was bullied a lot and I was physically and emotionally abused by a teacher. My parents didn't know about it cause I didn't want to hurt them. But all of the sudden, I went from being a star student to almost not passing. My parents knew something was amiss so they took me out of that school and changed me to another.

I would like to think that this story is a blessing in disguise because if not for that, I would never be so popular and I would never have met my first love. I would never be so strong for other battles that came and will come my way. Forgiving my bullies and my tormentor was the best thing ever. I got rid of the package that was keeping me back. Don't misquote me: I am very against bullying, but if you are bullied, know that there is always a new day.

In high school I saw many hypocritical things which made me denounce Chassidism, but my faith and love of Hashem is still going strong. At that same time I became romantically involved with another student letting me to this funny interesting story.

As adults, we think children know nothing about life but their truthfulness and innocence pick up the slightest deception. A few years ago, I was at my girlfriend’s house and her niece - a fourth grader was there too. We weren’t yet out, so we couldn’t cuddle or kiss in front her, but we schmoozed, sang and flirted a little. While I was there, my girlfriend’s niece asked us with curiosity, “What is the relationship between you both?” We paused, looking at each other. “We are best friends,” I answered.  With confusion in her eyes and voice she asked, “Are you sure that’s the only relation?” We didn’t answer that, but I found it very amusing!

I long since parted with my first love and what looking for in partner is social smarts, confidence, self respect, integrity, forgiving, not being afraid to say that he/she is sorry. Being scholastically smart is a plus.

A year ago,  I came out to my parents and they went crazy, telling me that I shouldn’t talk like that because it’s a “poeridig crazy thing”. They told me that I don’t feel these things and if I do I won’t feel it when I get married. I felt like a piece of garbage, which led me to have a notorious affair with razors and forks, cutting myself, but then catching myself in the middle, ( logic always kicking in telling me that tomorrow is another day).  I am planning to come out to them cause I want they should hear and listen to me.

I admire lots of people. I know it's old school but I admire Larry Kramer for taking a stand against AIDS  and preaching for safe sex. Even though he had right wing political enemies and enemies from the LGBT community who thought he wants to undermine them but he didn't care. He didn't back down and he was fearless. At the end, he became a winner. Never give up on yourself or what you stand for.

This past Chanukah we had an event and one of my sisters came up to me and started telling me a story about a lady hitting on her. She used terms like “faggot” and “homo”. I was mad and told that i am not interested in hearing the rest of the story cause I will not tolerate the usage of hate words. She ran to my father saying that I am sticking up for these people. They both ganged up at me, screaming. Now I was fuming so I ran to my room to chill.   

After the party, my other sister asked what the whole fight was all about and I told her the story. She asked why I care so much, so I came out to her. She hugged me, and told me that she still loves me. When I told her that mom doesn't know about me (being queer) or about Eshel, she volunteered telling my parents about me. I told her it’s a bad idea and I will tell them when I am ready. She asked me this question, wanting to show her support. That was a great moment. Ten points sis!

I don’t know about the future cause I am living in the present.

I take to heart William Shakespeare words “To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as night as day, thou canst not then be false to any man”.

Thanks for listening! Bye!

NATIONAL SHABBATON FOR FRUM LGBT JEWS

Obviously, this is not an interview, but it's a reposting of an advertisement for Eshel's national shabbaton for frum LGBT Jews. For those who have not yet gone, I can only say this: GO. It's absolutely amazing. There are a wide variety of frum Jews there, from the most chassidish to the most modern, as well as a big variation in ages, from teenagers to alter- zaidies. Some people bring their children. But everyone comes together and there is a sense of great love and support and wonder. There is a great sense of community. So, if you haven't yet come to an Eshel retreat, this might be the year to try it.

Since this is a reposting, the register now buttons (and other links) won't work. But if you want to go directly to the original page (where the buttons DO work), click here: Eshel shabbaton

National Retreat

Eshel presents

A Retreat for Orthodox

Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender (LGBT) Jews*

 January 17-19^th, 2014

Parshat Yitro

 Where, When and What?

Isabella Freedman Retreat Center

116 Johnson Road, Falls Village, CT 06031

Friday, January 17^th  — Sunday, January 19^th

This weekend will bring together LGBT Orthodox Jews to celebrate together; we will have spirited davening (prayer), delicious healthy kosher food, shiurim (classes), singing, and sessions relevant to our lives as LGBT frum Jews.

There will be plenty of time scheduled to hang out, sit by the fireplace on Saturday night, and get to know all the members of this growing community.  This will be a fun and spiritually uplifting weekend.

Who is this for?

*Orthodox or traditional LGBT Jews.  We also welcome formerly Orthodox, Ortho-curious and anyone who wants to experience a traditional Shabbat with other LGBT Jews.

The program!

Our retreats draw from the many talents of our participants.  There is a wide range of topics that we explore during the weekend, and modalities of learning, including text study, topics on identity, learning new songs, skills training, and more.

Let us know what you would like to share with the rest of the participants!

Please fill out this short form to let us know what you would like to teach.

https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/EshelPresenter

                   

Registration and Pricing

All prices include full room and board. See what accommodations look like here.

Sign up by Dec. 10^th, 2013 to get an early bird discount!

RATES	Early Bird By Dec. 10th	After Dec. 10th
Standard Plus Single (Based on Single Occupancy)	$550	$605
Standard Plus Double (Based on Double Occupancy)	$450	$495
Standard Single (Based on Single Occupancy)	$475	$525
Standard Double (Based on Double Occupancy)	$400	$440
Standard Triple (Based on Triple Occupancy)	$340	$375
Economy Single (Based on Single Occupancy)	$390	$430
Economy Double (Based on Double Occupancy)	$315	$345
Dorm	$230	$260
Youth ages 5-15 (Based on double/triple occupancy)	$125	$140
Children 4 and under	$25	$25
Financial Aid – Double Occ. or dorm accommodations	variable

Registration Closes on January 9^th, 2014

Financial Aid

We are committed to making our weekends as inclusive and accessible as possible, however, there is a limited amount of financial aid available for those who, for financial reasons, cannot otherwise attend.

There are a few steps to applying for financial aid:

1. Write an email to info@eshelonline.org and request the financial aid application.

2. Fill out and send the completed form back to: info@eshelonline.org.

The final deadline for applying is Dec. 15^th, 2013.  After that applications will be taken on a case-by-case basis.

You should hear back from us between Dec. 1-21^st  about whether you have received financial aid.

3.    Register for the Retreat: If you are awarded financial aid, you will be given registration instructions with a special registration code to use.  You must register for the retreat within ten days of being awarded aid, after that we will offer the aid to the next person waiting.

Please note that we cannot accommodate aid requests after you have registered.

Be an Eshel Angel!

If you are able to donate funds to enable people to come to the retreat, please donate here.  Your contribution is greatly appreciated and will go to those who cannot afford to attend.

Halachic Information

We ask that everyone keep halakhik shomer shabbos practice in public areas, however no judgment will be made about anyone for not having a particular level of observance.  All food will be strictly kosher, the retreat will be shomer shabbos, and we will have traditional davening/prayer.   (On the registration form, you’ll be asked what kind of davening you’d like to participate in during the weekend.)  We will offer a variety of learning options, from traditional text study to experiential workshops covering a wide variety of subjects.

Shabbat starts at 4:31 pm and ends at 5:35 pm.  We ask that no one arrive or leave after Shabbat starts or before it ends.  We also request that participants spend the entire weekend together.

Transportation

Transportation to and from the retreat is at your own expense.  Eshel will try to assist you in finding transportation to and from the weekend.

For directions and transportation information, please visit the Isabella Freedman website http://isabellafreedman.org/guest/directions

Confidentiality Policy

Some participants may not be out as LGBT in their daily lives, or may have other important reasons for keeping their attendance at the Shabbaton confidential. You have affirmed that you WILL NOT POST OR DISTRIBUTE PHOTOGRAPHS or audio/video recordings of other attendees publicly unless you have the EXPLICIT permission of every attendee represented therein. This includes distribution or posting online on flickr, Facebook, MySpace, and similar sites, as well as anywhere else in which photographs and other representations are publicly available.

Refund Policy

Participants who cancel their registration more than 2 weeks before an event are eligible for a refund less a $25 processing fee. Participants who cancel within the last two weeks prior to an event receive a 100% credit toward a future retreat less a $25 processing fee. If you cancel less than 72 hours before the start of the retreat or leave the retreat early no refund or credit is available.

Questions?  Please email us at info@eshelonline.org.   Please help us spread the word about the shabbaton!

- See more at: http://www.eshelonline.org/save-the-date-national-retreat-january-17-19-2014/#sthash.QogBQbTQ.dpuf

If you'd like to ask any questions about the shabbaton or about Eshel, please feel free to email me at hiddenjews@gmail.com