ORTHODOX LGBT FAQs

Orthodox LGBT FAQs (courtesy of JQY)

Common Orthodox questions, criticisms, and concerns vs. Supportive Orthodox Rabbinic Responses
Over the years, JQY has spoken at various panels and has had many private conversations with Orthodox Rabbis. We have compiled this fact sheet as a resource to describe the common questions, criticisms, and concerns that our members have heard from friends, family and community members, and that they have struggled with internally. We have paired each question with responses we have received from supportive Orthodox rabbis.

If you have any questions about any items on this fact sheet, or if you would like request a JQY panel where we can discuss these questions in greater depth, pleasecontact us.

Common Questions, Criticisms, and Concerns Supportive Rabbinic Responses Hashem does not give us anything we can not overcome. Doesn't this mean that homosexuality can be overcome? Many challenges in life are not changeable. We do not tell deaf people that they can “overcome” their deafness and hear. We learn to live our best lives with life's realities. Everyone has their nisayon (test) in life, some of which are very difficult, isn't being gay or lesbian just a nisayon for a person to overcome? A person's nisayon (test) is to make the most of their lives and be the best Jew they can be. We don't say the nisayon of a deaf person is to hear the shofar, it is to find his unique relationship to the commandment. A nisayon is intended to bring a person closer to G-d, it is not intended to make a person live in misery. Since homosexuality is called a toevah (abomination), doesn't it mean that it is an ethical evil that goes against Jewish hashkofa (thought) and must never seem normal? We do not know taamei hamitzvot (the reasons for commandments), eating shrimp and wearing shatnez (cloth containing wool and linen) are also called a toevah (abomination), if a person struggles with a sin between him/her and G-d that does not make him/her an evil person. Isn't being “out” worse than merely sinning because the person is advertises the sin publicly, which is itself yehareg va'alyaver (death is preferable to the transgression)? Being “out” actually says nothing about whether one sins, or is public about sinning. Out LGBT Orthodox Jews can still be tzniut (modest), and not discuss specific sexual behaviors publicly. One should not make assumptions about someone else's private life or their sexual behaviors just because the person is 'out'. Straight people don't go around telling people that they are straight, why do gay people feel the need to do so? Just as straight people would correct you if you assumed he or she were gay, gay people do not need to lie or pretend to be heterosexual when they are not. Every wedding, anniversary, and shidduch (arranged marriage) is a proclamation of one's heterosexuality. We do not ask an agunah (a woman who can not remarry due to not receiving a 'get') to say that she is no longer attracted to men, even though acting on this attraction would be a sin. Doesn't pride or celebration of one's sexuality go against the Jewish tradition of tzniut (modesty)? It is important to combat the internalized shame that many LGBT people experience with self-esteem i.e. pride. Furthermore, the strength and bravery it takes to come out, overcome obstacles, and persevere is what is celebrated, not any specific sexual behavior. We actually do not know whether homosexuality is genetic or environmental. Doesn't this mean that a person can and should change? Whether someone is 'born gay' or becomes gay due to environmental factors does not imply that being gay is somehow a choice or changeable. Many things that are caused by the environment are in fact unchangeable. If we are openly affirming or accepting of gays, won't this be encouraging homosexuality and lead those who are on the fence to become gay? Speaking out against homosexuality does not prevent anyone from being gay; it just increases the shame and internal suffering that LGBT people experience in the Orthodox community. Sensitivity and being welcoming is the torah way, and can be life-saving for individuals suffering in silence. We can love the sinner, but we are supposed to hate the sin, so how can we be supportive of gay Jewish organizations and homosexuality? Identifying as gay does not imply anything about whether or not a person is “sinning” by engaging in specific prohibited behaviors. Hating the sin should not mean denying a person the resources that they desperately need. Sexuality may be fluid for some, so shouldn't everyone at least make an attempt in 'reparative therapy' if it helps some individuals? Helping some does not justify hurting others. Many individuals have reported being harmed by these types of therapies, which are often conducted by unlicensed individuals who face no repercussions for irresponsible and potentially damaging interventions. How can we say “it gets better” to a life that halachicaly (from a Jewish legal standpoint) can have no sexual outlet? We don't say to agunot (women who can not remarry due to not receiving a 'get') that “it can never get better”, or that there is no value or place for them in Jewish life just because we can not legitimize any of their romantic behavior. Why should LGBT Orthodox Jews be treated any different from those who desire other sexual sins like adultery? If we are to use adultery as an analogy, it would be similar to the case of an agunah (a woman who can not remarry due to not receiving a 'get'), who through no fault of her own may not have any halachicaly (from a Jewish legal standpoint) permitted sexual behavior or marriage. Isn't homosexuality yehareg v'al yaavor (death is preferable to transgression), putting it in a different category than other sins, similar to murder? If we are to use murder as an analogy, it would be similar to the case of brain death and organ donation, where, although it is technically yehareg v'al yaavor (death is preferable to transgression), where sensitivity, ambiguity, and compassion are all imparted on those making decisions, even when they may be against rabbinic advice. While desire may not be a choice, behavior is always a choice. Shouldn't we therefore judge those who we know engage in sexual behavior as sinners? In cases of Jewish suicide, halachic burial (burial according to Jewish law) is almost never observed because we assume that the behavior is engaged in when a person is in an altered mental state. Individuals who have Aspergers, ADD, or other different issues are often exempt from general orthodox expectations. We can not truly judge a person until we are in their shoes. Shouldn't we avoid legitimizing or celebrating relationships that involve sin? Rabbis often counsel and celebrate couples who may not be following taharat hamishpocha (family purity laws) they still celebrate their relationships, and expect that the community not make any assumptions about possible sinful activity. Kedushin (Jewish marriage) can only be between a man and a woman. How can we ever legitimize marriage between two people of the same sex as halachic marriage (Jewish legal marriage)? Refusing to go to attend a loved one's life events or not permitting someone's partner to attend a simcha (celebratory event) can damage relationships and create alienation and negative feelings toward Judaism. Attendance is a sign of love and support, and can help a person maintain their connection with Orthodoxy. It is not the same as legitimizing. A parent can celebrate a loved one being happy and not being alone without legitimizing the halachic nature (Jewish legal status) of his or her relationship.

BLACK GAY JEWISH MOTHER: Welcoming the Stranger

I am a black gay Jewish diversity advocate. I’m a writer and I’m a doula. I live with my partner and we have two cats. I like to call myself a yogi but it’s really not so true. I don’t do enough yoga for that. I’m pretty much the same as I was as a kid: I’m extroverted. I’m social and I like to talk, but I’m 34 now.

My first crush was in high school. I lived in a little town in Ohio and didn’t know any gay people. I thought gay people were very male, very white, and super flamboyant. And there weren’t really any black lesbians that I could readily identify with. I was pretty straight for a long time. I was engaged to a man when I was 21 and I didn’t come out until I was 26 or 27, but when I did, I came out in a big way. I came out to a friend, and he said he was gay too! He is now a gay man, married to a woman, with children, because his religion prohibits him from living a gay life.

Then I started online dating. I had gay male friends, and I didn’t know any lesbians. I dragged a bunch of straight friends to lesbian bars. I ended up meeting my partner online and eventually, I told my mom about her. My mom told me not to tell anyone. She thought it was a phase. After three months, not talking to my mom (my best friend!) about my relationship became harder. Our conversations became flat and generic, “How’s the weather?” I ended up sending an email to my entire family, introducing myself as a lesbian, and also introducing my partner. That email started a huge internal family fight. I have never read the emails but I’ve decided I will when there’s enough distance, when I am 40.

I’ve been together with my partner for 5 years. She’s a good one! She’s Jewish, born and raised. She is less religious than me, but our house is very Jewish.

There’s a real lack of understanding about who Jews of color are and who they are not, and how one can be Jewish differently from other peoples’ norm. I’d rather not discuss my private details on shabbos at the table. A lot of Jews of color feel invalidated by their schools, shuls and communities. I volunteer for the Jewish Multi-Racial Network, an organization that was started 15 years ago by parents who had adopted children of color and then realized communities weren’t supportive of their families. Now it’s dedicated to making Jewish spaces safer and more inclusive for multiracial families and Jews of color. We are currently writing a diversity curriculum and I am writing the handbook and I am on the second draft now, We hold an annual retreat for families to meet with each other and for the kids to be in space where they can be with other kids who look like them.

I just did a talk for the Princeton JCC, making the JCC more inclusive to multiracial families and Jews of color. When I give talks about this subject, my desires are multifaceted. I really want people to genuinely be welcomed. We were once strangers and we should have learned from that to be good hosts. People say it but they don’t live it. I want everyone to feel like every other person in the shul. I hope for welcome. I want people to realize that their family isn’t the only way or the only vision of who a Jew is or what  Jew looks like.

This is similar to Eshel’s goal. A lot of the work is modeled on Keshet’s work on inclusion for gay Jews. The Shabbat over Labor Day, my organization held a shabbaton, and I spoke about teshuva, and ended by saying we have always been a multiracial nation. There have always been Jews who aren’t like your idea of what Jews look like. It’s not because the world is going to sh*t, it’s just because the world actually IS diverse. I also think that human history tells us that people have always migrated. It sad that there have to be niche organization to help the inclusion of Jews who are on the so-called fringes. It’s important to keep reminding people that we have always been a diverse nation.

 I said last year that I was going to do a Jewish geography project, where I would take each weeks parsha, and I would figure out where that place on the map, so we could get an actual picture of all the places that Jews have been and how diverse we are. It’s so sad that thousands of years of diversity have been whittled down to Woody Allen. No one questions a Chinese Christian. But a Chinese Jew. That’s strange!

In ten years time, I hope to be a mother. I hope to be an amazingly accomplished doula and a published author. I’d like to retire from JMM, because there shouldn’t be a need for us anymore. Because obviously there are diverse Jews, brown and black and queer. Well! I can dream!

I’ve wanted to be a mom my whole life. But coming out, it’s so scary. Holy sh*t! How do I have a baby? Mommy and daddy love each other and they have a baby. But what do I do? These days, being a doula, I am the go-to lesbian about how to get knocked up. I have a group of friends in their 30’s who are already pregnant, and another group of younger friends who look to me for answers.

I think family is really important to both my partner and me. We both want to be mothers and we both want to carry babies. I think that being a lesbian shouldn’t change your desire to have a family. I think there are friends that are happy with no kids and that experience is also valid, but for me, I want it. I really want it.

I think two children sound about right for us. Sometimes, I think I’d like a very large family and then I think I want to be able to not over-extend myself. We both had one sibling growing up, but we also think it would be interesting to foster kids. But right now, two is our magic number.

There was a study in 2011 that said that kids raised by lesbians are better off. I don’t think you need 2 people to raise a child. I think any queer person who wants to raise a child, goes through so much to get that child. Much more than anyone else. We really want it! It’s something we think about and plan for a really long time. It doesn’t just accidentally happen. I think this might be true also of anyone who wants to adopt. When someone is trying that hard, it indicates that there is thought put into it. You want this child! You are more invested. Most Jewish parents who are queer are just as committed to their kids as the straight parents I know.

 I’ve only experienced homophobia once. It was on my 28^th birthday. My partner took me to the Museum of Natural History and I requested a crown and a unicorn for my birthday. My partner got me a pink princess crown that said, “Today is my birthday!” and I wore it all day. A white man with a guitar rode by us and then circled back. I was holding hands with my partner. “I hope that’s sisterly love and not romantic love,” he said. Then he started telling me how [G-d] doesn’t like gay people. But I don’t let people talk sh*t to me. I told him that the last person who G-d talked to directly was about 2,000 years ago, and I also didn’t remember [G-d] talking about holding hands. Could he show me in the Bible? Now, we hold hands in a gay area, but we don’t do a lot of PDA outside of the house, because as two women, you never know [what could happen].

As Jews, our community talks a lot about welcoming the stranger and being loving to everyone and being a light unto the nations, but if you stick out in any way, then you can be cut down in a second. Differences still aren’t fully accepted. There are plenty of opportunities to improve our treatment of others, whether they are Jews of colour or queer Jews or both.