I’m 21 yrs old. I live in New York. I grew up in an Orthodox community in the midwest and consider myself Orthodox, though I struggle
religiously. I work as a makeup artist and I am openly gay.
In high school, the bullying got worse. I
went out of town for yeshiva in 9th and 10th grade, but the
principal and mashpia guessed I was gay and they decided to make me their
project. They caused a lot of emotional damage that still affects me. High
school was terrible. It made me feel worse about myself, depressed,
self-conscious. For 11th and 12th grade, I wanted to go
back home, and I ended up in a local yeshiva. I never discussed being gay, but
it was something I struggled with. I began to do research online, and found
JONAH, and I thought that would be my way out, a fixing, a magic way out. I got
in touch with them and I started therapy with them. It was a horrible
experience, and the only good thing that came out of it, was that I was able to
come out as gay. The only reason I even told my mother I was gay was because I thought
they would be able to cure me. I told her, thinking it was all over and I would
be straight. They made me believe I could change.
I left the yeshiva before my final year, and
I was homeschooled. I was able to sort out my life and move on. The yeshiva
didn’t kick me out. I just didn’t want to put anyone in an uncomfortable
position.
I have two older sisters and one younger
brother. My sisters knew I was gay, but maybe my brother didn’t. It wasn’t a
surprise to them. I was just confirming it to them. It was a shock but they all
handled it really well. When people asked my sister about it, she said, “It would
be selfish for me to say that it’s hard for me, since it’s S who is going
through this thing.” I have a better relationship with my family than I ever
did.
My mother and my siblings thought I was gay
because I have stereotypical qualities. I was different. My mother had a good
intuition because I was very flamboyant. It made it easier for me later on. If I
wasn’t so flamboyant, it would have been harder to come out, harder to get
accepted.
I’m not uncomfortable with who I am. It’s
who I am. It’s not me shoving it in their face…I am just being me, the way I
have always been. I don’t carry a sign, but this is just how I am. It’s nice
that I have so much support these days and from my family. I feel lucky to be
born in this generation.
My dad and I had an interesting
relationship. We are very different. We didn’t connect so much, but ever since
I came out, he’s tried really hard to be there for me as a parent. He struggled
with not understanding it, but he never had a problem with me actually being
gay.
I was always a good kid. So that made it
easy. I was good at home and good in school. One good thing is that my parents
don’t care about other people’s opinions. All Jews are Jews. They don’t like
those labels. They accept all Jews. In my father’s mind, me being gay was our
family’s thing, and everyone else’s opinions are irrelevant. He is a big baal tzedoka
and he gives to many places, but he stopped giving money to the organizations
and rabbis who signed the [homophobic] Torah Declaration. Family first! He has
my back, and that improved our relationship.
It’s surprising, but I didn’t have any
issues from the community, because everyone kind of guessed already. I left to
Israel after 12th grade, and that also gave everyone in the
community time to absorb it. It was shocking because I was so young and my
family was so prominent. Everyone offered opinions, but we were already at a
very strong point by the time that was happening.
In Israel, I went to Bar Ilan’s American
program. The dean knew I was gay, and he seemed cool with it, but he told me to
keep it on the down-low. I thought he was just being cool, but actually, he
didn’t want anyone to know. Then, when everyone did know, the dean started to have an issue with it. I hadn’t
realized that not being out [being on the down-low] was my condition for being
in the program. One of the teachers told me that the program was considering
kicking me out. I went to the dean and said, “My family and I will be pressing
charges of discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation if you continue with
your plan to kick me out. We’ve
already spoken to a lawyer.“ I managed to finish out that year there.
There were a few boys in the program who
wrote mean things on my door, I spoke with someone in the administration every
single day for six months until it was finally taken down. The program wasn’t
good about me being gay. At the end of the program I spoke with the dean in front
of my father. I said the only reason I am talking about this now is because
there will be other boys who come after me who are gay, and may be not as strong
as me, and you could cause them to have a serious issue [suicide]. You could have a major
problem on your hands if you treat them the way you treated me.
When I returned to my hometown, people
weren’t so surprised about me being gay anymore. It was what it was. No one
talked about it. Some people were overly friendly towards me who had never
spoken to me before. “Oh my gosh! How are you?” They talked to me like I was
some kind of cancer patient. I preferred the people who were talking about me
behind my back!
One person who helped a lot was Rabbi
Litwack, my rabbi in 7th and 8th grade. He’s the one who
said it’s not so black and white. He doesn’t believe it’s something I can
change, and he told me that though I can’t do every single mitzvah, I can still
be a good Jew. He told me, if you are in an accident, how can you put on
tefillin? A kid who is autistic can’t do a lot of the mitzvos. He told me a lot
of supportive things. I go out to dinner with him or out for shalosh seudos.
He’s a really big influence and role model for me. He is part of the reason I
am still connected.
Certain situations make you realize who
your real friends are. The people who really care about me, have stayed my
friends. The only person I had a really negative reaction from is also someone
I think might be in the closet.
It’s difficult to be out and Jewish. I’m
not going to say it’s not. When you are finally out, you make a lot of friends
who have been through similar experiences. My mother and father can’t completely
relate to my situation. But finding people who can relate is amazing. But still, I am tied to a community that
rejects me. That is the experience of many of my friends, too. Your belief
system is in a different community, the Jewish community, and that poses a big
challenge as a person. I am confident and comfortable as a gay man who is
Jewish, but as an orthodox Jew, every day is a struggle. I always told my parents,
I want to keep Shabbat because I feel a connection rather than out of habit.
Now, it’s on and off for me, because I struggle to reconcile these two worlds.
That’s the hardest thing for me. It’s a purgatory. You don’t know where to go
because you are in-between two communities and you’d like them to be
intertwined, but for me, I just can’t make it happen.
I have friends who claim they are
successfully both gay and Jewish, but to me
it doesn’t feel fully possible. It’s a big struggle and it’s difficult. There
are no official answers, just vague opinions from Rabbis. I don’t believe it’s
fully possible to be completely comfortable with both, completely content. I think you can, but the connection is
challenging, like water and oil.
It’s interesting, because I took AP
psychology, and they say that when you go through something traumatic, it’s
hard to remember. It goes in your subconscious. The majority of my life, I was
in the closet, and I barely remember a thing about it. Now, I am just out and
about. Now, my earlier life feels like I am telling an old story. It feels so
far away and sad. It feels like I am a different person now. I used to be
miserable and alone and sad and depressed, and I had to pretend I was happy. It
makes me sad.
Now, though I struggle with being
religious, I am completely happy and feel so good and so deserving to live my
life without having to adjust myself to please others. I lived like that for a
long time. Im ein ani li, mi li?…”If I am not for myself, who will be for me?”.
I have goals but I don’t plan. Man plans
and G-d laughs. I’m so young. I want a relationship because I feel like I am at
that point now. Because of my circumstances, I had to grow up real fast. Most
people my age are still in the closet.
But I am past that. I want to find someone to be in a relationship with.
I want to continue growing my business too. In the beginning it was hard, but
now I am busy.
I want to go to the Eshel shabbaton this
year, and I want my friends to go with me. All my friends aren’t sure what they
are going to do, but I really love going.
Everybody has their struggles and obstacles
in life, even though we can’t see everyone else’s struggles. Something I think
is crucial is respect. Just because you might not agree with the way I am, it’s
not your business. You don’t need to have an opinion on it. Have respect for me
even if you don’t agree with me. I am tznius, and you don’t even know what, if
anything I am doing behind closed doors. I am not going to damage your children.
I am not recruiting. Please accept me for who I am, not reject me, based on a small
part of who I am.
The first few years after she was married,
my sister had a hard time having children. Imagine if everyone in shul looked
at you, and gave you dirty looks and talked about you because you couldn’t have
children. Imagine if that happened to you. That’s what it’s like for me,
walking into shul, an immediate bad feeling, based on something I have no
control over. Please just find it inside yourselves to be respectful.
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